The mystery of identity

When each and everyone of us is born we have no idea about the person we are to become. The struggles, the highs, the friends, the places, and most of all the connections. All of this makes us who we are. So, if we forget establishing a sense of identity becomes very hard.

Unfortunately, this was the case, my case. I suffer from depersonalisation derealization disorder. Which you’ve probably never heard of. However, I can help with that, I can tell you what it’s like.

Imagine feeling lightheaded, but, not in a normal way. Everything is either too bright causing you to stress out or feels awfully fake. Now, you may think so, what difference does that make? But it’s everything, especially since you can’t concentrate, work at normal speed, retain information, and figure out why it’s happening.

This was the most detrimental part, work started to load up, my anxiety increased, and my self belief, any of which I had, was diminished. But I did something about it. I spoke to my counsellor and gradually it started to ease. But it is still something I live with, flaring in times of intense stress.

It is just the brains response. It protects you. If you are sitting out there reading this feeling any of the ways I just mentioned, please tell someone. They can help you. (side note it is often common for anyone who has been through PTSD)

Next, depersonalisation. This is the added bonus. (not really I’m just being sarcastic). But, imagine feeling outside of yourself, like you don’t belong your in own body, your soul is someone else’s. That partly what it’s like. The other wonderful segment is forgetting who you are. Yes you may like certain music, hobbies, people, etc. But, you forget this, you forget who you are, you forget the places you frequent most common, you forget the faces around you, and sometimes even your own body. “that’s not my arm” you think or “that wasn’t me speaking”. Everything feels like someone, or you feel like no one.

This crushed me, isolated me. I got to the stage where I wanted to kill myself, commit suicide. And no one should have to feel like that. It has its stages, and you never know which one will hit. Luckily enough my partner Jevin has helped me through it. Never before have I had such consistent support in each and every step of the way. (and never actually pulled myself out of it, the derealization, so cheers to that). If your reading this, and having the toughest time, know that I love you, and that I am here for you. Please please reach out to me, I’ve experienced a lot. Until later. Take care and stay safe.  Love you!

~ Caitlin